Leaving You

You always said that I never loved you.

After all the things that you did, I'm not surprised that the statement became true. Somehow you're the first person to trigger hate within me.

Believe it or not, that's an emotion that's fairly new for me. I was used to disappointment and braved through it with pride on my face when I found out my ex cheated. I thought that from there on, I'd have every sorrow and worry defeated. I walked away with grace until he tried to invade my space. But even from that table, I walked away without hate. Leaving behind my wallet, business cards, and everything that I built I walked away with the bill. When you're a creator, challenges don't shake your foundations. I knew that none of those things were worthy enough to fit inside the big hole in my heart that I had to fill. So I distracted myself and got lost in building new creations. Drowning in my misery, I refused to look for something or someone to replace the emptiness just as much as I refused to look back into the past. Instead of harboring resentment, in my life, mind, and my heart, I exiled him as if he was never a part of my past. After all, a lady is supposed to have some class. I got used to the peaceful bliss of being alone for so many years as I forgot all about him and the tears. Life was simple and after a couple of years, I learned how to be happy being alone. Of course, my heart was never made from stone. But as fragile as it is, it would take crossing the distance for someone to get close enough to touch. That seemed like an impossible mission until one day you decided to show up! Day by day you'd plot a way to get close enough. Your calculating mind had already figured out that this job was going to be tough. Somehow without anyone thinking it was possible, you pulled off the plot! Like a parasite, you sucked me dry as your scars left a permanent spot. Each day that I spent with you I felt my happiness rot! Yet you refused to leave and kept following me like a burden. You knew what kind of damage you were doing to my well-being and mental health, but none of that mattered as long as you could keep me trapped in your prison! I wanted to leave you at the beginning of each day. But by the end of the night, you're arguments had me drained so you had more time to stay. Nothing of what you said made sense and that repulsed me even more as I started adding up the math. I told you about each wrong step that you made to land us on this path. That is where my frustration began to grow! I found out that it was a waste of breath to explain to someone as stubborn as a mule all the things that they already claimed to know. Like a doll, you swept me off my feet to play your game of house. I felt like I was stuck in a running wheel as if I was your pet hamster or mouse.

In my mind, I saw myself escape each time. But when I returned to reality, I was still captured by the illusion. Surely somewhere this kind of love must be a crime. It's nothing but an unhealthy obsession from your side that inspired this rhyme. Yet that didn't stop you from building a box to keep this doll trapped like a trophy wife. There were so many times when I begged you to put this craziness to the side and allow me the freedom to live my life! I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my youth or at least hold someone's hand whose soul would have understanding for mine. Yes, you took care of me and maybe for you my energy felt divine. But that wasn't enough to make me feel alive.  Especially each time I caught you gaslighting my mind just to survive. You were indeed a parasite depleting my resources, energy, time youth, and will to stay alive. How can you be so madly in love with me, when you never took the time to get to know me? It took me too long to realize that you were just addicted to the way you needed me. You just smelled my wounds and began feeding on the blood flowing from them. If there wasn't a fresh wound, you'd make a new cut according to your own system. You found a way to use my empathy and kindness against me. Because you know I didn't have it in my heart to leave someone outside in the rain, even when I preferred being lonely. That's when I realized that the person I was the most angry with was me! Because how dare I choose others above me? I got mad at you for not standing up for me and my feelings. That's when I realized that not because you're always there for others does it mean that you can expect them to do the same things. If I had been there all along for me, then this wouldn't even be a thing. You mentally, emotionally, and financially exhausted me. But that's only because I thought to myself that I didn't want to give up on you or make you feel like the people who numbed me. Each time it turned out to be the same story. I spelled it out a million times in front of you, but you kept smothering me. Skipping over the most important thing for me. The man living inside of you refused to listen to me. I've failed a million times in my life. Each time I took a punch I stood up because I already discovered how to survive. I'll always be a warrior queen on the inside. On my journey I had many people walk by my side. But what does that mean when I can't even run next to Inner me? When I can't tell her that the thing that keeps us apart in this reality is my weakness to uphold a boundary. That's when she comes kicking to the door. After a while, she tells me no more. Before you know it, she dresses me up with kindness that I have never before shown myself. After all, she's always been pushing me through my worst and best. I can think of a million reasons to stay, but if she doesn't approve there's no use in making the next move. They say love is a game when all I wanted was to keep it level with you. Recognizing my patterns I decided it's best to leave you. The blood is spread out on the floor. The yellow tape closes off the crime scene and all that is left behind is the scent of my eau de parfum odor. The future might terrify me, but I chose to take a risk. When I told you I was smart, it was nothing but a mere warning before you pulled out your next trick. But instead of acknowledging that you set our relationship up for murder. But for helping me choose myself I'll be forever grateful. At least at the end of this story, we're still cool. So don't blame me if I want to find my King and prefer to do it a bit old school. My soul is hungry for someone who'll spark every bit of energy within me. Destabilize my magnetic field baby or just leave me be.